I’m sure Steve Jobs has upgraded his squeaky office chair for the Human AcuTouch 9500 by now. Not only does it automatically adjust to all those tender spots on your delicate body, it remembers how you like to lounge and transitions any susceptible being into a state of orgasmic relaxation. I’m not kidding when I say this is the most advanced lawn chair/massage ornament in existence.

Imagine one of those other massage chairs. The ones where you have to manually recline the seat and prop your legs up on the dog to get any real comfort. This badass beast of a massage chair – that is, the AcuTouch 9500 – automatically adjusts and remembers your favorite relaxing position. If you’ve got a knot in your back that the Hulk can’t iron out, the AcuTouch will pinpoint and knead out those trouble spots with careful precision. Various states of serenity can also be activated via the iPhone or iPad’s HT-Connect application, giving you the power of a mad scientist over the therapy of your aching muscles thanks to the Wellness Council. If that wasn’t good enough, the AcuTouch can always recommend the best massages rise or shine.

Plus, it’ll even make you a cup of espresso. For $5999 I call game.

[Zedomax via iClarified]